Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
