OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
