I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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