I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
