she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i out mim tonsoeep
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