He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's rum buckets o'clock
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize