i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
