the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
