I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
