A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
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