i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
