I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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