I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
