I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
