Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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