totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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