I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am midnight drunk by noon
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
