I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Someone came in the potted fern
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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