She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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