Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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