Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
