this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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