Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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