I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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