The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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