you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
