everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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