we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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