He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
