Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
