I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
