You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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