Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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