yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
