HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
