i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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