it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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