I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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