Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
