Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
