Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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