I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
