nut hugger
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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