that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
