Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
