I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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