Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i believe in u and ur pee
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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