tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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