life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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