I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
