Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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