apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize