I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize