While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think your dad took our porno
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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